


I Loved You, So I Lost You

by Baked_Apple_Pie



Category: Supernatural
Genre: A Sort of Season Five Canon Divergence, Angst, Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Not A Happy Ending, Theres a lil bee figurine, and a lil bit of fluff, lots and lots of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:55:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28441263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baked_Apple_Pie/pseuds/Baked_Apple_Pie
Summary: Castiel is slowly falling from grace and turning human, and Dean is forced to watch.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 13





	I Loved You, So I Lost You

Dean Winchester fingered the small bee figurine in his jacket pocket, staring as subtly as possible at Castiel, who sat on his bed flipping through his father’s journal. The seraph’s tongue was poking out slightly in between his chapped lips as he studied a page on Wendigos, leaning on his fist.

Dean had given the angel the book earlier, telling him to search through it for anything on the case they were working on at the moment. He doubted the angel would find anything he or Sam didn’t already know, but Cas hadn’t quite gotten down how to use the internet and Dean had waged that the book would be a safer bet.

Cas sighed, stretching his back before slipping off the righteous man’s bed, walking with an almost dreamlike gait over to Dean, sitting down across from him at the small table that leaned against the motel room window. He slid the book across to Dean, leaning on his arms. Dean raised an eyebrow at him, taking the book.

“Find anything?” He asked, to which Cas shook his head.

“No,” The angel’s gruff voice was even rougher from lack of use in the past couple of hours. “If I wasn’t cut off from heaven, it would take around two minutes for me to figure out what this mythical creature is. As it is, however, we have been searching for roughly nine hours and forty-two minutes and have found absolutely nothing.”

Dean sighed, closing his laptop to meet the electric blue eyes across from him. “Cas,” He began carefully, picking at a blister on his palm, “You said that you were slowly… falling. Like, since you rebelled, you were becoming more and more human?”   
  
“Because I am cut off from heavens power, yes.” The angel confirmed, nodding. Dean bobbed his head in reply, hand going back to his jacket to turn over the bee figurine in his hand.

“And… what happens when you fall? All the way, I mean. Do you just become human?” Cas stared down at the table, careful not to meet Dean’s eyes as he shrugged.

“I am… not certain. Anna fell, yes, but all at once. As far as I am sure, no angel has slowly fallen to humanity. I could just become human, I could be ripped apart when it happens completely. I do not know.” Dean swallowed roughly, nodding in understanding.

“Oh.” He started to pull the figurine out of his pocket then stilled, noticing Cas looking at him curiously.

“Why?” The angel asked abruptly. Dean frowned at him.

“Why what?” He asked and Cas’s frown got deeper. 

“Why… do you care?” The angel clarified and Dean felt like a knife had been plunged into his chest. Why  _ did _ he care? It’s not like he’s known Cas that long, only around a year. So why, when he thought of the angel being ‘ripped apart’, as he put it, did it hurt Dean so much? He wasn’t even that fond of the angel.

“Nothing,” Dean’s voice came out rougher than he had attended. “It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it, Cas.”   
  
He haphazardly shoved the bee figurine deeper back into his pocket.

+++++

Dean watched as Cas tore hungrily into his burger, a smile pulling at his lips. The seraph looked incredibly pleased with the food and he looked up at the human, a bright grin on his face. “You were right, Dean.” The angel said, waving the burger in the air. “These are exceptionally delicious.” Cas looked back down to his plate, missing the smile wipe right off Dean’s face.

The angel had told him once that he could only taste the molecules in food, not the actual taste. So that meant… 

Cas looked back up from where he was swirling a fry in ketchup, frowning at the righteous man. “Are you okay, Dean?” He asked, looking worried. “You look like you just experienced something unpleasant.”

Dean shook himself out of his thoughts and smiled at the angel, trying his best to keep his face either happy or neutral. “Fine, Cas.” He said, waving towards Cas’s plate. “Enjoy your food.” Though the angel looked at him suspiciously for half a moment more he went back to his plate after a second, taking another hungry bite of his burger.

Dean leaned over in his seat, reaching into the duffel that was pressed against his leg and rooting through it, eventually finding the small baggy he was looking for. He pulled it out, careful to keep it out under the table where Cas couldn’t see it and pulled out the small ceramic thing inside.

He rolled the cold bee back and forth in his fingers, staring at Cas as he contemplated what to do. That was decided for him after a moment however when their waitress came back, a pretty thing with large green eyes and blonde hair that rubbed herself not-so-subtly across Castiel’s arm, smiling flirtatiously down at the angel, prompting him to smile at her.

She slipped him a piece of paper that Cas took, looking at it curiously before tilting his head and smiling at her shyly. Dean shoved the bee into his jeans pocket, staring stubbornly down at his half-eaten plate.

He was so preoccupied with the stupid waitress and the stupid angel that he had missed Cas throwing the slip of paper in the wastebasket bin on the way out of the small diner.

+++++

Dean smiled fondly down at the angel asleep on his crappy motel bed, Cas’s face smoothed out in sleep as the angel dreamt of who-knows-what.

Sam had left about half an hour ago to go check out books on the case they were working on at the library, leaving Dean alone with Castiel, who had seemed more ragged than ever. The angel had fallen asleep not fifteen minutes after the younger Winchester had left, and Dean didn’t have the heart to wake him up. Cas looked so peaceful in sleep, face wiped of the worry that the angel carried with him as he napped. Without even realizing what he was doing Dean grabbed an extra blanket from Sam’s bed, carefully placing it over the seraph and pressing a gentle kiss to Cas’s forehead. He shook himself out of it a second later, stepping back quickly from Castiel as he blinked down in shock at the sleeping angel.

After a moment, however, he sighed, sitting down at the foot of Sam’s bed and sticking his hand into his pocket, pulling out the ceramic bee. He rolled it around in his palm, staring down at the small figurine that had taken up permanent residence in his pocket a month or two ago.

He’d give it to Castiel eventually, he just had to work up the courage to do so.

Today however was not that day, as Cas stirred and stared sleepily over to Dean, blue eyes slightly foggy. Dean quickly shoved the bee back into his pocket, moving over to the nightstand to grab his fathers journal.

But he felt Cas’s gaze on his back and the bee figurine laying heavily in his pocket.

+++++

Castiel stumbled out of the Impala, managing to stagger a few feet to the side of the abandoned road before he fell to his hands and knees, gagging. Dean quickly followed him out, feeling panic seize up in his chest. “Cas?” He called over to the seraph, jogging over to him. “Cas, you okay?” The angel didn’t answer and continued gagging, starting to lean to the side slightly, almost falling over.

Dean came up behind him, grabbing Cas’s shoulders firmly as he patted Castiel’s back awkwardly, not sure what to do. After a minute, however, Cas leaned back, pulling his knees up into his chest and panting. Dean hesitantly removed his hand from the angel’s back, staring worriedly into Cas’s azure eyes.

“Cas, what… what the hell was that?” Dean asked, worry crowding up in his throat as the angel simply shivered in response. However, after a moment, Cas began to try and speak, voice shaky with fear and grief.

“Dean…” The seraph managed to gasp out, still shaking. “Dean, I can’t… I can’t…” Still unsure of what was happening, Dean put his hand back onto Cas’s back, making an awkward shushing noise in the back of his throat.

“It’s okay,” He said softly, trying to calm the angel down. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want--”

“I can’t feel them, Dean,” The seraph interrupted with a harsh sob, bending almost in half as he buried his face in his knees, still shaking. “I can’t… I can’t, I… I--”   


“Can’t what?” Dean asked softly, voice barely above a whisper as he tried to stamp down his impending panic. This wasn’t normal. Cas wasn’t supposed to have breakdowns. Cas was supposed to be strong, and powerful, and kick ass, not sob uncontrollably on the side of the road in the middle of Arizona.

“Can’t feel them,” Cas repeated, tears streaking down his face now. “Can’t… can’t…”   
  
“Can’t feel  _ what _ , Cas?!” Dean was really starting to panic now, running his arms frantically up and down Cas’s arms to try and find what he ‘couldn’t feel.’ He froze, however, when Cas let out another harsh sob, voice getting rougher as he began talking, Adam’s apple wobbling as he rocked back and forth.

“My wings,” He gasped, shaking uncontrollably. “They… they’re just gone, and… and I’m trapped, I can’t… can’t get out… out of the vessel, can’t get out of Jimmy. Dean, you have to help me, help me, Dean, I can’t… I can’t, can’t--  _ feel _ them, please, please,  _ Dean _ !” The righteous man’s name bordered on a scream as Cas started trying to reach around and grab his back, shaking even more uncontrollably, crying harder than ever.

Luckily, Dean was only frozen for a minute, quickly snapping himself out of his stupor as he gently took Cas’s hand and moved it away from where it was scratching at the back of his trenchcoat, pulling the hand into his lap. Without even thinking about it he gently pulled the shaking, panicking (ex, he reminded himself numbly) angel into his lap, making soft shushing sounds as Cas grabbed onto his shirt, scratching his skin rather roughly as the seraph buried his face in the juncture between the righteous man’s shoulder and neck.

“Please,” The angel panted, starting to hyperventilate now. “Please… please, don’t make me go away, I can… I can drive to places, and… and stuff, I can still be useful, I can still be--”   
“Shh,” Dean ordered, pressing Cas even more into him, stifling the dark-haired man’s frantic cries and he tried to calm down the newly human Castiel. “Shh, Cas. You’re not going anywhere, okay? You’re staying with me. And Sam. You’re not going anywhere.” At his firm voice, Cas just cried harder, shaking as he stared up at Dean, the righteous man’s heart twisting painfully at the broken look on Castiel’s face.

“You’re… not gonna leave me?” The angel managed to rasp, staring up at Dean looking shocked. “Even though I’m useless now?” Dean moved to grip Cas’s face firmly between his hands, making the seraph look him straight in the eyes.

“ _ No _ , Cas.” He said, feeling slightly upset that the seraph would even  _ think _ that. “Never. You’ll be coming back to the hotel, with me, and we’ll talk to Sam, okay? But you are  _ not _ going anywhere, okay? Not now, not ever. You understand me?” Cas stared up at him for about half a second before burying his face back in Dean’s shoulder, his full body shaking starting to go down to shivers.

“Thank you,” He murmured roughly, and Dean absentmindedly reached up to run his hands through the angel’s dark hair. “Thank you,” He repeated. Dean smiled, now trying not to cry himself.

“Of course, Castiel.” He said, voice rougher than he’d like to admit. “You’re family.”

+++++

“Cas!” Dean screamed, shoving through the crowd of what few vampires were left of the large nest. “Cas!” He sliced his blade through yet another one of the fuckers neck, running as fast as he could towards the fallen angel, who was slowly sinking down to the floor, leaning against the wall with his hand pressed weakly to his bloody side.

He skidded to a stop in front of the seraph, allowing Sam to take care of the rest of the vamps as he attempted to pry Cas’s hands away from his side, revealing bloodily torn apart flesh that was running down the ex-angels side. “Cas, Cas,” He repeated weakly, patting the roughly shaved face. “It’s okay,” He said, voice breaking as Cas stared at him, a bead of blood escaping out of the corner of his mouth.

“D’n?” He managed, coughing as blood spewed from his mouth, covering the already dirty trenchcoat as a few other droplets splattered onto Dean, who ignored them as he tried frantically to put pressure on Cas’s side, knowing all too well that it was no use. “I… think I’m… hurt, D’n…” He let out a pained moan, head starting to droop to the side. Dean quickly grabbed the side of his face, forcing it back up as he shook his head frantically.

“No, no, you’re fine, you’re okay, it’s gonna be fine, Cas…” His voice cracked as he met Cas’s once bright eyes, the angel bringing up a shaky hand to weakly touch the righteous man’s sleeve. Then the seraph’s hand went limp, slowly sliding its way off of the human and falling to the floor with a soft thud. 

Dean froze, feeling numb. “Cas?” He asked, mouth dry. “C-Cas?” He reached out shakily, grabbing the seraph’s face as he did in Arizona, shaking him slightly. “Cas!” He felt Sam approach him slowly, but ignored him. “Cas! You’ve gotta… you’ve gotta…” He stared into the seraphs unseeing eyes for half a second, mouth starting to tremble. “Cas…” He managed brokenly one more time before he fell forward limply, pressing his forehead against Castiel’s. “I’m so sorry,” He whispered, squeezing his eyes shut.

He didn’t know how long he stayed like that, how long he stayed pressed to Cas’s slowly cooling body as salty tears eventually fell down his face. He didn’t even know if Sam was still behind him. After a moment, however, with trembling, bloody fingers, he pulled the small bee figurine out of his pocket, pressing it into Cas’ cold palm.

“Go… on a date with me?” He asked, brokenly, weakly, as he waited, hoping against all hope for absolutely  _ any _ type of reaction. When there was none he merely let out a broken choking sound, slumping down to bury his face in Cas’ bloody neck.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” He murmured thickly as he closed Castiel’s limp fingers around the small bumblebee, tears escaping down his cheeks. “I’m so sorry, Castiel. I should have never… I should have… I could’ve…” After a moment he trailed off, curling into Cas’s body propped awkwardly against the damp wall of the vampire nest. He squeezed his eyes shut.

“It’s my fault. I loved you, so I lost you.”

But Castiel didn’t respond, blank azure eyes staring ahead, seeing without seeing as the righteous man sobbed over his body.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think in the comments!


End file.
